Achtung Zombi: 5 Undead National Socialists

After 65 years, the world is still collectively squeamish at the thought of the heart of Western Civilization committing spiritual and intellectual suicide. The Nazis still loom in our memory. Low brow media like horror movies and comic books do not shy away from poking a stick into our fear of National Socialism rising from the dead. They do it, however, with the language they know. The language of monsters. This fear (that happens to be, unfortunately, based in reality) of Nazi ideas and beliefs being figuratively undead is embodied by Nazis who are literally undead. These five ghastly goose-steppers are some of the most memorable.

(FUNF) Von Klempt from Mike Mignola's Hellboy

Mignola is not the master of the undead comic book Nazi. That title will always belong to Jack Kirby (see below) but Mignola's Hellboy is rotten with them. In a bit of historical retconning he made Rasputin, the horny pet monk of Czarina Alexandra, a Nazi collaborator and immortal wizard. There was also Kronen, a scientist who always wore gas mask, whom was turned into a badass ninja cyborg by Guillermo del Toro in the first Hellboy movie. Von Klempt makes the list because not only he was an undead disembodied Nazi head (more on that later) but also because he controlled an army of cybernetic gorillas. Poland never had a chance.

(VIER) Aqua-Nazi-zombies from Shock Waves

I was excited about watching Shock Waves. I remember the VHS box as a kid. It's about zombies who are not only Nazis (Nazbies? Zomzis?) but they live underwater. It's the Creature from the Black Lagoon + George Romero + Mein Kampf. How could this not be amazing? What a surprise when someone replaced my fresh-from-Amazon DVD of this cult classic with a chronically dull and ineptly made snoozefest. Besides being terrible, Shock Waves shows that movie zombies are scary because they're your next door neighbors. They're your family who now want to eat you. Nazis were always brainwashed villainous a-holes so Nazi zombies are not that much of a stretch from reality.

(DREI) cursed Nazis from Dead Snow

These zombies look great. The movie has some cool gore. It also has a fat guy in a Peter Jackson's Braindead t-shirt spouting clever dialogue like "This is just like Evil Dead" and other annoying nerd references. Dead Snow is too precious for its own good and it attempts to mask the fact that it is extremely derivative by being insufferably arch and referential. The zombies themselves are pretty cool though. If you want something creepy and Nordic read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo or watch Mamma Mia.

(ZWEI) Adolf Hitler

I was toying with the idea of watching They Saved Hitler's Brain for this post but life is too short. All I know is that part of the movie was filmed in the early 60's and parts were filmed in the late 60's. This means that one of the leads looks like Don Draper while the other looks like a bargain basement porn star. I did watch a clip that shows a disembodied Hitler head hooked up to a machine featuring a lot of dials and switches. As an added bonus, this Hitler-machine has a handle making the Fuhrer's head completely portable. Talk about convenience!

Probably the best undead Hitler story is "He's Alive" from The Twilight Zone. Like all of Rod Serling's best scripts, its twist is almost laughably meaningful but hearfelt. The late Dennis Hopper gives one of his best early performances as a Neo-Nazi who finds out that his mysterious benefactor is Hitler's ghost.

(EINS) Three way tie: Hate Monger, The Red Skull, and Armin Zola

It's logical that the greatest creator of monster Nazis would be a Jewish World War II veteran. Jack Kirby was the master of comic book krauts. If they weren't actively deformed like the three winners, they looked like Neanderthals with monocles. The Hate Monger (the guy in the purple KKK outfit) should technically be listed under #2 since the Fantastic Four revealed that (SPOILER WARNING) he was actually Hitler with ray gun. The Red Skull (soon to be played by the suitably bulbous-headed Hugo Weaving) has cheated death on several occasions. Once he came back in a body cloned from Captain America by this guy:

Armin Zola, continuing with the theme of Nazi heads where no Nazi heads should be, downloaded his mind into a robotic body. His face is projected on a computer screen in his chest. The image of the perfect master-race living on as a bunch of malformed goons is the irony at the heart of Nazi horror. Zola and the others on this list show that even death will not interfere with the lust for lebensraum. If your original genes were Aryan it doesn't matter if you are currently a robot, a zombie, or a head in a jar.

Universal Appeal III: MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE!

Murders in the Rue Morgue seems like an obvious choice to follow Dracula and Frankenstein. After you’ve done Stoker and Shelley it seems natural to move onto Poe. If you’re going to do Poe, then “Murders in the Rue Morgue” would be the one to film. It’s one of the few famous Poe stories that follows something other than his patented “misanthrope goes mad and kills wife/pet/roommate/enemy etc.” storyline. It also seems natural that you would give the project to Robert Florey who had helped develop Frankenstein--your biggest horror hit. While you’re at it, make it a vehicle for the star whose eerie presence helped make Dracula a pop culture phenomenon. Considering all these factors, one wonders why Murders in the Rue Morgue is not a landmark film like the movies that preceded and proceeded it. (Note: for a detailed look at the film’s production and plot look at this piece I wrote for the excellent Classic-horror.com way back in 2001. Be kind; I was only 18.)

I think there are two main reasons for this film’s failure to captivate audiences in 1932 and it’s failure to become a classic. One of the reasons is that the film has no iconic Monster in it. Erik is the film’s monster but he’s no Monster. A gorilla suit just isn’t iconic as Karloff and Pierce’s Frankenstein monster or any Pierce creation for that matter. There are dozens of films with shoddy gorillas that look just like Erik the ape (who is also played by footage of a real chimpanzee), which makes Erik a pretty dull beast. Plus, Erik has the misfortune of coming out one year before Hollywood truly fell in love with the subject of damsel grabbing gorillas.

Reason number two: the film has a sadistic and perverse side that none of the other Universal horror films (save The Black Cat) possess. The film's inclusion of prostitution, bestiality, and sexual abuse may make horror fans raised on giallo and gore take special note of this clunky old film but it’s kept Dr. Mirakle costumes from becoming Halloween traditions.

I think there might be more than 3 steps between salamander and human. I've seen judgement houses that are more scientifically accurate.

Left turn Erik!

Lugosi's scheme is to mate women with Erik the ape and therefore prove the theory of evolution. He's the rare mad scientist whose main idea is actually true but he's the very common kind of mad scientist whose experiments are a little dodgy.

Lugosi did this instead of Frankenstein. He could have been one of the most iconic characters in modern history. Instead he was evil-unibrow-Garfunkel.

Erik has killed Dr. Mirakle before grabbing a new mate. Like that old lady in Connecticut, Bela learned the hard way that apes make rotten pets.

Universal Appeal: Medium and Low. For fans of the genre who are unfamiliar with moldy oldies, Lugosi’s “2 girls 1 gorilla” experiments may hold interest. The film’s visuals are also of note. Robert Florey would become one of the most interesting directors of low budget thrillers. German Expressionism influenced all of the Universals but its influence is strongest in Murders in the Rue Morgue. Florey and cinematographer Karl Freud created some wonderfully crazed compositions for the film. Also, Lugosi is at his best here. He’s not just chewing the scenery. He’s gnawing and slobbering. He’s got pieces of it stuck in his wig. It’s a lot of fun to watch. What makes the movie less appealing are the terribly dated comic relief and romance scenes. These bring the horror to a halt. Whenever Lugosi is not on screen mugging and screaming about ape love, the film is dreadfully dull. You have to like old movies for being old movies to really enjoy this one despite it’s strengths.